Comments for Childlight - Holistic Child Therapy http://childlight.co.uk Wed, 08 Feb 2012 14:00:33 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.3 Comment on Friendship Issues by Sue Twort http://childlight.co.uk/friendship-issues/#comment-4280 Sue Twort Tue, 07 Feb 2012 17:00:06 +0000 http://childlight.co.uk/blog/?p=26#comment-4280 The following email response was sent to Stephanie on 12 January 2012 : Thank you for your enquiry via the website and your kind comments. We will post your question and our reply on the site, but want to send you these attachments in the meantime. You are absolutely right about changes in friendships being natural at this age, but it easy for children to feel they have done something wrong as it is the first time they will have experienced this sort of hurt. We have found that the attached story, “Lola says don’t be sad” has been very helpful for other youngsters going through the same thing. I don’t know if you have already seen it on the website, but there is a nice photo of Lola in the section therapy-dog-helps-confidence, which might help to bring the story to life for your daughter, as Lola is a real dog who helps children! The second attachment ‘Girl Talk’ is aimed at older girls, but there are some tips in there that you can use with your daughter, particularly within the sections headed ‘Aims Two and Four’ on the sheet. Making a list of all the people who like/ love her is a good way to help her to feel positive about herself. I hope this is useful and your daughter soon has several other friends to play with. Kind Regards Sue Twort The following email response was sent to Stephanie on 12 January 2012 :

Thank you for your enquiry via the website and your kind comments. We will post your question and our reply on the site, but want to send you these attachments in the meantime.

You are absolutely right about changes in friendships being natural at this age, but it easy for children to feel they have done something wrong as it is the first time they will have experienced this sort of hurt. We have found that the attached story, “Lola says don’t be sad” has been very helpful for other youngsters going through the same thing. I don’t know if you have already seen it on the website, but there is a nice photo of Lola in the section therapy-dog-helps-confidence, which might help to bring the story to life for your daughter, as Lola is a real dog who helps children!

The second attachment ‘Girl Talk’ is aimed at older girls, but there are some tips in there that you can use with your daughter, particularly within the sections headed ‘Aims Two and Four’ on the sheet. Making a list of all the people who like/ love her is a good way to help her to feel positive about herself.

I hope this is useful and your daughter soon has several other friends to play with.

Kind Regards

Sue Twort

]]> Comment on Friendship Issues by Stephanie http://childlight.co.uk/friendship-issues/#comment-4020 Stephanie Wed, 11 Jan 2012 08:57:46 +0000 http://childlight.co.uk/blog/?p=26#comment-4020 I have found it really helpful reading these comments. My daughter is 6 and has had a "best friend" since she started school. Whilst they have had other friends, they have both relied heavily on each other. However recently, they have been arguing more and I sense they are growing apart. Her friend has been choosing to play with another child rather than my daughter. Understandably my daughter is very upset by this and as well as making her enjoy school less, she is very irritable and not sleeping well at home. She also says things that suggest that she thinks this means it is all her fault. She says she is "bad" or "wrong". I know that it is natural that there will be changes of firendships at this young age, but I want to make sure my actions help my daughter and don't make things worse, particularly to make sure she doesn't lose self esteem. So far I have tried to listen and suggest other things she can do, like playing with other friends. I would appreciate any tips on how to approach this situation to ensure my daughter builds and does not lose self esteem. I have found it really helpful reading these comments.

My daughter is 6 and has had a “best friend” since she started school. Whilst they have had other friends, they have both relied heavily on each other. However recently, they have been arguing more and I sense they are growing apart. Her friend has been choosing to play with another child rather than my daughter.

Understandably my daughter is very upset by this and as well as making her enjoy school less, she is very irritable and not sleeping well at home. She also says things that suggest that she thinks this means it is all her fault. She says she is “bad” or “wrong”.

I know that it is natural that there will be changes of firendships at this young age, but I want to make sure my actions help my daughter and don’t make things worse, particularly to make sure she doesn’t lose self esteem.

So far I have tried to listen and suggest other things she can do, like playing with other friends.

I would appreciate any tips on how to approach this situation to ensure my daughter builds and does not lose self esteem.

]]> Comment on Friendship Issues by Sue Twort http://childlight.co.uk/friendship-issues/#comment-3091 Sue Twort Thu, 13 Oct 2011 08:40:56 +0000 http://childlight.co.uk/blog/?p=26#comment-3091 Hi Nicole Understandably you sound at the end of your tether with this situation with your daughter, especially after you have done your utmost to head off problems by seeking therapy after the split with her father. Anger is an appropriate emotion felt by everyone and we often feel that temper/ rage is the only way it can be expressed, but that is not the case. Rather than helping your daughter to 'control' it - we suggest you help her to find more positive outlets to express it; such as helping her to write a list of what she is angry about, teaching her to safely punch her pillow or mattress. Maybe even have an 'angry spot' or bean bag where she can go when she feels like it and jump up and down and shout and scream! Physical activity can also be a useful outlet for these feelings if she has any inclinations to enjoy sports or games. Teach her to recognise when she needs to express her anger and once the emotion is expressed in other ways, there will be a lot less 'charge' to be expressed negatively towards you and your husband. As you have been in therapy you will already know that it is never an option to say to her 'you are just like your father' (even if you feel this to be the case at the time). If she is angry with you and/ or her step-father and you feel you need some support on this, we offer telephone consultations for parents. I do hope this helps you. Hi Nicole
Understandably you sound at the end of your tether with this situation with your daughter, especially after you have done your utmost to head off problems by seeking therapy after the split with her father.

Anger is an appropriate emotion felt by everyone and we often feel that temper/ rage is the only way it can be expressed, but that is not the case. Rather than helping your daughter to ‘control’ it - we suggest you help her to find more positive outlets to express it; such as helping her to write a list of what she is angry about, teaching her to safely punch her pillow or mattress. Maybe even have an ‘angry spot’ or bean bag where she can go when she feels like it and jump up and down and shout and scream! Physical activity can also be a useful outlet for these feelings if she has any inclinations to enjoy sports or games. Teach her to recognise when she needs to express her anger and once the emotion is expressed in other ways, there will be a lot less ‘charge’ to be expressed negatively towards you and your husband.

As you have been in therapy you will already know that it is never an option to say to her ‘you are just like your father’ (even if you feel this to be the case at the time). If she is angry with you and/ or her step-father and you feel you need some support on this, we offer telephone consultations for parents.

I do hope this helps you.

]]> Comment on Friendship Issues by nicole http://childlight.co.uk/friendship-issues/#comment-3036 nicole Thu, 06 Oct 2011 14:16:12 +0000 http://childlight.co.uk/blog/?p=26#comment-3036 I have an 11 year old daughter who is struggling with emotions. She seems to express such anger and fustrations but only to me and her step father. Overall she does well..great in school/grades, no signs of depression, seems happy around other family and friends. Her father and I seperated right before she turned 6. He suffered from anger problems and after several years of marriage it become worse and became abusive at times. It was unhealthy and I made the decision to leave. I did seek therapy for both myself and my daughter after we seperated. She still has a relationship with her father, which I support.He seems to have improved with his anger and doesnt have the fits now or at least with her. They seem to get along well and she seems to always show him respect. I feel so often during her rages of anger she mimics her fathers old behaviorthat I so often wittnessed. It is as if she has no control over her emotions. She has even become physical more then once with me and her step father. I and her step father have tried several thigs to help correct her behavior from grounding, trying to talk after she calms down to yelling myself. Yelling of course just intenifies her own anger but I too run out of patience with her. I am at a loss. I desperatly want to help her find control of her anger. I have an 11 year old daughter who is struggling with emotions. She seems to express such anger and fustrations but only to me and her step father. Overall she does well..great in school/grades, no signs of depression, seems happy around other family and friends. Her father and I seperated right before she turned 6. He suffered from anger problems and after several years of marriage it become worse and became abusive at times. It was unhealthy and I made the decision to leave. I did seek therapy for both myself and my daughter after we seperated. She still has a relationship with her father, which I support.He seems to have improved with his anger and doesnt have the fits now or at least with her. They seem to get along well and she seems to always show him respect. I feel so often during her rages of anger she mimics her fathers old behaviorthat I so often wittnessed. It is as if she has no control over her emotions. She has even become physical more then once with me and her step father. I and her step father have tried several thigs to help correct her behavior from grounding, trying to talk after she calms down to yelling myself. Yelling of course just intenifies her own anger but I too run out of patience with her. I am at a loss. I desperatly want to help her find control of her anger.

]]> Comment on Friendship Issues by Sue Twort http://childlight.co.uk/friendship-issues/#comment-1704 Sue Twort Fri, 04 Mar 2011 18:27:58 +0000 http://childlight.co.uk/blog/?p=26#comment-1704 Hi Eleanor, I am very sorry to hear that your daughter had such bad times at her Primary School and that problems are continuing now. Sadly, this is not that uncommon in our experience and being bullied over a lengthy period often leads to an underlying lack of confidence and self esteem which can exacerbate difficulties with peers. Professional counselling would be very beneficial for her, if it is available. I agree that talking to the other parents might not be useful at this point, but I would suggest you discuss the situation with the school in confidence to see what their view is of these problems and what their suggestions are to resolve the situation. Meanwhile, here are a couple of ideas for you to consider if you feel they might be appropriate for your daughter: Encourage her to focus on just one or two suitable girls to invite over/ make plans with in the short term, as this may help her to feel she has allies and is not so isolated; give her some coaching in acting/ pretending she is "not bothered" about not being invited to sleepovers etc. Encourage her to act like a "winner" rather than a victim, even if she doesn't feel like that inside. Girls of this age can be very cruel and it will help your daughter if they don't get the reaction they are looking for. The school does have a responsibility for the wellbeing of your daughter whilst in their care and I do hope that you receive a much more positive response than you did from the Primary school. Best of luck with this. Hi Eleanor,
I am very sorry to hear that your daughter had such bad times at her Primary School and that problems are continuing now. Sadly, this is not that uncommon in our experience and being bullied over a lengthy period often leads to an underlying lack of confidence and self esteem which can exacerbate difficulties with peers. Professional counselling would be very beneficial for her, if it is available. I agree that talking to the other parents might not be useful at this point, but I would suggest you discuss the situation with the school in confidence to see what their view is of these problems and what their suggestions are to resolve the situation. Meanwhile, here are a couple of ideas for you to consider if you feel they might be appropriate for your daughter: Encourage her to focus on just one or two suitable girls to invite over/ make plans with in the short term, as this may help her to feel she has allies and is not so isolated; give her some coaching in acting/ pretending she is “not bothered” about not being invited to sleepovers etc. Encourage her to act like a “winner” rather than a victim, even if she doesn’t feel like that inside. Girls of this age can be very cruel and it will help your daughter if they don’t get the reaction they are looking for.

The school does have a responsibility for the wellbeing of your daughter whilst in their care and I do hope that you receive a much more positive response than you did from the Primary school. Best of luck with this.

]]> Comment on Friendship Issues by Eleanor http://childlight.co.uk/friendship-issues/#comment-1701 Eleanor Fri, 04 Mar 2011 00:16:22 +0000 http://childlight.co.uk/blog/?p=26#comment-1701 Hi Sue. My daughter was bullied throughout Primary School. She is quite a cheerful girl but these incidents hit her hard. She became more confident however as she started seconday school last year and made loads of friends. We chose a different secondary school from the girls of Primary school. It is quite a small secondary school, there are thiry in her year. Since September she is becoming more and more withdrawn. I asked her several times why and she denied any of it. Then last week she came to me saying that all the other girls were begining to exclude her, put her down constantly, they use her. They come to our house quite a lot yet she is never invited to theirs. They all have sleepovers and yet she is not invited. I'm afaird if I say anything to the other girls parents then the girls will take it out on her. It happened in Primary school already where the principal was told, but the bullying just got worse from it. She doesnt want to move schools either as the only other one close to us contains the girls from her primary school. I really don't know what to say. Hi Sue.
My daughter was bullied throughout Primary School. She is quite a cheerful girl but these incidents hit her hard. She became more confident however as she started seconday school last year and made loads of friends. We chose a different secondary school from the girls of Primary school. It is quite a small secondary school, there are thiry in her year. Since September she is becoming more and more withdrawn. I asked her several times why and she denied any of it. Then last week she came to me saying that all the other girls were begining to exclude her, put her down constantly, they use her. They come to our house quite a lot yet she is never invited to theirs. They all have sleepovers and yet she is not invited. I’m afaird if I say anything to the other girls parents then the girls will take it out on her. It happened in Primary school already where the principal was told, but the bullying just got worse from it. She doesnt want to move schools either as the only other one close to us contains the girls from her primary school. I really don’t know what to say.

]]> Comment on Lack of Confidence by Sue Twort http://childlight.co.uk/lack-of-confidence/#comment-1588 Sue Twort Wed, 26 Jan 2011 15:46:11 +0000 http://childlight.co.uk/blog/?p=27#comment-1588 Hi Susie sorry to hear your daughter is finding transition to secondary school difficult. It is important not to under-estimate the profound changes that have taken place in her life over the last few months. Moving from being the top class in what is usually a much smaller Primary to being in the youngest class in a large Secondary can be very demoralising. There are so many bigger kids, the work is much harder and she is comparing herself to a different set of people now. The abilities which she took for granted at her previous school may no longer seem special to her. I guess that at present she doesn't feel she belongs in this new school and wishes she could turn back the clock. You are doing all the right things by encouraging her and giving out love and praise so I suggest you also work on helping to feel PART OF the school. Can you get her involved in some fun activities that are part of school life? Let her say what she wants about how she feels without interruption, reassurance or contradiction. This may get to the bottom of where her insecurity about her abilities comes from. Are there new girls that she has now met that are putting her down or putting her talents in the shade? If you are still concerned, then I suggest you have a quiet word with her form teacher to see if there are any issues they've picked up. Hope this helps. Hi Susie sorry to hear your daughter is finding transition to secondary school difficult. It is important not to under-estimate the profound changes that have taken place in her life over the last few months. Moving from being the top class in what is usually a much smaller Primary to being in the youngest class in a large Secondary can be very demoralising. There are so many bigger kids, the work is much harder and she is comparing herself to a different set of people now. The abilities which she took for granted at her previous school may no longer seem special to her.

I guess that at present she doesn’t feel she belongs in this new school and wishes she could turn back the clock. You are doing all the right things by encouraging her and giving out love and praise so I suggest you also work on helping to feel PART OF the school. Can you get her involved in some fun activities that are part of school life?

Let her say what she wants about how she feels without interruption, reassurance or contradiction. This may get to the bottom of where her insecurity about her abilities comes from. Are there new girls that she has now met that are putting her down or putting her talents in the shade?

If you are still concerned, then I suggest you have a quiet word with her form teacher to see if there are any issues they’ve picked up.
Hope this helps.

]]> Comment on Lack of Confidence by Susie http://childlight.co.uk/lack-of-confidence/#comment-1584 Susie Tue, 25 Jan 2011 16:43:42 +0000 http://childlight.co.uk/blog/?p=27#comment-1584 How can I raise my daughters self esteem? My 11 year old recently started secondary school and is not exactly over joyed by the experience! She has a long day and is exhausted and often makes comments about how "rubbish" she is at this and that. None of the above causes are relevant to her and she has a very supportive, encouraging family and extended family. She is a very talented girl and has wonderful social skills with many people commenting to her about how delightful and talented she is, yet she seems to dwell on the things she finds more difficult and ignore all the praise she receives. Any tips?? We have tried so hard to encourage her with love, hugs, praise and we have always told both our girls how proud we are of them. How can I raise my daughters self esteem? My 11 year old recently started secondary school and is not exactly over joyed by the experience! She has a long day and is exhausted and often makes comments about how “rubbish” she is at this and that. None of the above causes are relevant to her and she has a very supportive, encouraging family and extended family. She is a very talented girl and has wonderful social skills with many people commenting to her about how delightful and talented she is, yet she seems to dwell on the things she finds more difficult and ignore all the praise she receives.

Any tips??

We have tried so hard to encourage her with love, hugs, praise and we have always told both our girls how proud we are of them.

]]> Comment on Friendship Issues by Anne http://childlight.co.uk/friendship-issues/#comment-1290 Anne Tue, 09 Nov 2010 21:08:38 +0000 http://childlight.co.uk/blog/?p=26#comment-1290 Hi Sue, Thank you for your response, I will try inviting other children for her to spend time with, she does attend sports clubs and I am trying to make this a more regular thing too, thank you again. Anne Hi Sue,
Thank you for your response, I will try inviting other children for her to spend time with, she does attend sports clubs and I am trying to make this a more regular thing too, thank you again.

Anne

]]> Comment on Friendship Issues by Sue Twort http://childlight.co.uk/friendship-issues/#comment-1289 Sue Twort Tue, 09 Nov 2010 12:09:38 +0000 http://childlight.co.uk/blog/?p=26#comment-1289 Hi Anne, This is a tricky situation but sadly not an uncommon one. Three can be a difficult number and often two will 'pair up' and exclude the other one. Understandably you feel strongly about how the other mothers have handled the situation, but it is important that you don't allow your own indignation and bitterness to influence your daughter. The school have suggested playing with other children, which your daughter is doing, and I think that is a good idea. It is good for her not to have 'all her eggs in one basket' and this unexpected 'opportunity' to seek out and develop new friendships with others will stand her in good stead when she goes to secondary school. My suggestion would be to help her to focus on developing friendships with other children in her class who she likes. Maybe she could invite someone new home for tea? Common interests are useful for developing new friends, things like clubs, sports, games etc. She will open up in her own time as she knows you are there for her. It is hard to just let things evolve naturally when you want it to be sorted out, but being 'open' and avoiding asking her questions is the probably the best way forward. Your own past experience has shown you the benefit of letting your daughter find her own way through this - with your support - so trust that too. Hope this helps. Hi Anne, This is a tricky situation but sadly not an uncommon one. Three can be a difficult number and often two will ‘pair up’ and exclude the other one. Understandably you feel strongly about how the other mothers have handled the situation, but it is important that you don’t allow your own indignation and bitterness to influence your daughter. The school have suggested playing with other children, which your daughter is doing, and I think that is a good idea. It is good for her not to have ‘all her eggs in one basket’ and this unexpected ‘opportunity’ to seek out and develop new friendships with others will stand her in good stead when she goes to secondary school. My suggestion would be to help her to focus on developing friendships with other children in her class who she likes. Maybe she could invite someone new home for tea? Common interests are useful for developing new friends, things like clubs, sports, games etc. She will open up in her own time as she knows you are there for her. It is hard to just let things evolve naturally when you want it to be sorted out, but being ‘open’ and avoiding asking her questions is the probably the best way forward. Your own past experience has shown you the benefit of letting your daughter find her own way through this - with your support - so trust that too. Hope this helps.

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